“Sad news from the Vatican. As you know, Pope Benedict was fired a couple of weeks ago. They caught him stealing communion wafers” – David Letterman
“The big question: Who’s going to replace the Pope? Where’s the new Pope going to come from? I think they should check out Whole Foods. I’ve seen plenty of holier-than-thou people walking around that place.” – Jay Leno
“The Pope is going into retirement. He will be retiring to his sprawling ranch, the Pope-arosa.” – David Letterman
“We’re learning more about the Pope’s condition. The Vatican announced that Pope Benedict hit his head during his March 2012 trip to Mexico. In fact, right after that, the Pope said he’s sworn off spring break forever.” – Jay Leno
“Happy Presidents Day. Today we celebrate an American tradition — immigrants working on your day off.” – Craig Ferguson
“Most stores are open on Presidents Day. What better way to celebrate our presidents than by offering a sale on tires? Yes, four score and 20 years ago, our forefathers got two-for-one on steel-belted radials.” – Craig Ferguson
“You can tell how important a president was based on his monument. Lincoln was important because his monument shows him sitting in a chair looking serious. And George Washington got an even better one — a monument shaped like a giant middle finger pointed at England.” – Craig Ferguson
“People sometimes forget that George Washington was very rich, had a pony tail, and grew hemp on his farm. He was America’s original Willie Nelson.” – Craig Ferguson
“Since the brutal presidential election, there’s been a lot of soul searching going on at Fox News. I am confident that they eventually will find one.” – Stephen Colbert
“Yesterday President Obama played golf in Florida with Tiger Woods. Well, you thought Michelle got mad when Barack ate a cheeseburger. She told him, ‘No hanging out with Tiger afterwards. You come right home’.” – Jay Leno
“Actually Tiger and the President both have something in common. Both got in trouble because of their stimulus package.” – Jay Leno
“The White House’s immigration plan was leaked over the weekend, and Florida Senator Marco Rubio is already calling it ‘dead on arrival’. That incidentally is also Florida’s state motto.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now.” – Jay Leno
“It is now legal to carry a concealed weapon in all 50 states. So if you are in one of them, be careful.” – Stephen Colbert
