“This is crazy. The justice department is saying that President Obama can order drone strikes on American citizens, that he can do that. In a related story, this is the last Obama joke I’m ever doing on this show.” – Conan O’Brien
“Supporters of Hillary Clinton have already started a 2016 super PAC on her behalf called ‘Ready for Hillary.’ And more cautious Democratic supporters have started another super PAC called ‘Bracing for Biden’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Republican Party has its own line of clothing. The problem is it keeps coming apart at the seams.” – David Letterman
“When asked about gay marriage, Donald Trump said, ‘It’s not my thing’. Trump went on to say marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman he will replace in six years.” – Conan O’Brien
“Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn’t it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner.” – Jay Leno
“Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he wants to become the first Iranian to go into outer space. He wants to study the effects of anti-gravity on anti-Semitism.” – Jay Leno
“Monopoly is getting a big makeover. They want to make the Monopoly game more modern and bring it up to date to reflect our current culture. Like, in the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail.” – Jay Leno
