“Mitt Romney is going back to work. Romney is joining the board of directors at Marriott hotels. See, who says President Obama can’t create jobs? There’s one right there.” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney has a new job. He’s going back to work. He got a job at a Marriott. When you’re at the front desk arguing over your mini bar bill, Mitt will be the guy that comes from out back and says, ‘I understand there’s some trouble?'” – David Letterman
“I think it’s great that Romney’s getting back to the workforce and not becoming one of those 47 percent looking for a handout.” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney of course lost the election. Think about it this way. One day you’re the Republican candidate running for president of the United States, and the next day you’re sitting in Applebee’s blowing on your soup.” – David Letterman
“Since losing the election, Mitt Romney is reportedly bored. After hearing this, Ann Romney said, ‘You’re bored? I’m sitting around all day with Mitt Romney.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Earlier today Mitt Romney was spotted on a Costco shopping spree. Romney ended up buying 14 Costcos.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A lot of dissension among conservatives. One of the leaders of the Tea Party has resigned after a major split in the movement. The Tea Party is now divided between angry whites and even angrier whites.” – Conan O’Brien
“Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he’s taking steps to run for president in 2016. In fact, this week he’s meeting with donors. He better hope they’re brain donors.” – Jay Leno
“The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company’s low profits on Obamacare – which is odd because most people won’t eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance.” – Conan O’Brien
“General Petraeus is telling his friends he screwed up royally by having an affair with his biographer. Well, duh! If you want to keep an affair secret, don’t have sex with the woman who’s writing your life story.” – Jay Leno
“Kim Kardashian has been touring the Middle East, touching off angry protests among conservative Muslims. You would think conservative Muslims would be happy to see a woman who’s never had a job.” – Conan O’Brien
