“The Obamas have decorated the White House with 54 Christmas trees. It’s all part of their ‘For the last time, we’re not Muslim’ campaign.” – Conan O’Brien
“While he was in Pennsylvania on Friday, President Obama said that he’s been keeping his own ‘naughty and nice list’ of lawmakers. Then Biden was like, ‘Great, now I’ve got to worry about his list AND Santa’s?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Clinton and President Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was, and Obama said, ‘Joe Biden’.” – Jay Leno
“Gay groups are apparently angry at former President Clinton because he hasn’t come out in favor of gay marriage. Clinton said he’d be willing to have two lesbians come by and try to convince him.” – Conan O’Brien
“I’m worried about the fiscal cliff in the same way I’m worried about Martians. Every now and then I look for them but I don’t know what I’ll do when I see them.” – David Letterman
“Friends of Mitt Romney are saying that he’s bored now that he’s no longer running for president – though not as bored as the rest of us were when he WAS running for president.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s a very proud night for myself and my family and my staff and my friends. I received a Kennedy Center Honor. And today the Republicans are trying to block it.” – David Letterman
“With the Kennedy Center Honors, I am now 17th in line for president.” – David Letterman
“Today it was confirmed that Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their first baby. You can tell the baby’s a member of the royal family, because Kate said she can already feel it waving.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Kate is said to be very nervous about giving birth. Giving birth to a baby wearing a crown is very hard.” – Craig Ferguson
“A new survey found that ‘Sophia’ and ‘Aiden’ were the most popular baby names this year. The least popular baby name was Kim Jong Sandusky.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Prince William and his lovely bride are pregnant. Buckingham Palace announced Kate is pregnant. They’ve been married for a year and a half. That’s like five marriages for a Kardashian.” – Craig Ferguson
