“Mitt Romney had lunch today with President Obama. The White House is calling it a near-beer summit.” – Jay Leno
“Today Mitt Romney had lunch with President Obama. It was an awkward moment when the bill came and Obama only offered to pay 47 percent.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama and Mitt Romney had lunch the other day at the White House. Romney offered to pay. But Obama said, ‘No, no, it’s on our grandchildren.'” – Jay Leno
“President Obama had lunch with Mitt Romney. There was an awkward moment when Romney looked around and said, ‘So how much do you want for the place.'” – Conan O’Brien
“After weeks of the Benghazi scandal and the fiscal cliff crisis, Obama offers Romney a position in the administration – President of the United States.” – Conan O’Brien
“I guess it was a closed event: There was no press allowed, there were no cameras, no recordings – to which Mitt Romney said, ‘I’m not falling for that one again.'” – Jay Leno
“Powerball officials say two people won the $580 million. Congratulations to the winners – Mitt and Ann Romney.” – Conan O’Brien
“The man who got the Mitt Romney face tattoo is having it removed because he said ‘Romney has no dignity.’ Once you get a face tattoo, you’re no longer allowed to talk about dignity.” – Conan O’Brien
“Over Thanksgiving Joe Biden was in a cold-turkey ocean plunge fundraiser. The water was so cold that when he came out, he was talking coherently.” – Jay Leno
“Well, folks, only 28 more shopping days till we go off the Fiscal Cliff.” – Conan O’Brien
“Are you sick and tired of hearing the term ‘fiscal cliff’? people don’t understand it. It doesn’t tell you how serious the situation is. They need more colorful metaphors. Here’s how to explain it: ‘It’s 4 a.m. for our economy and Lindsay Lohan is behind the wheel.’ That says danger. People understand that.” – Jay Leno
“‘Fiscal cliff’ is a big fancy phrase right now. If you want people to understand though, use language they get: ‘We’re headed for Broke-Ass Mountain.’ That’s what it is.” – Jay Leno
“Rupert Murdoch is the guy whose tabloids hacked into people’s phones in England. He’s back in hot water today. The British parliamentary commission delivered its findings. The report assessed the standards and ethics of the British tabloids. Spoiler alert: They don’t have any.” – Craig Ferguson
“The investigation concluded that Britain’s current press watchdog has no teeth. I’m like, it’s Britain. Who the heck does?” – Craig Ferguson
“House Speaker John Boehner’s office was invaded by a group of nude female protesters. Boehner’s unsure what they were protesting, but says he’ll definitely keep doing it.” – Conan O’Brien
“A 69-year-old Florida woman was arrested for stealing hundreds of dollars’ worth of lingerie. Authorities released her after she threatened to model the lingerie.” – Conan O’Brien
“Over the four-day holiday weekend Americans spent $15 billion a day! That almost breaks President Obama’s record.” – Jay Leno
“A new study says the average American now weighs 176 pounds. May not sound too bad to you. But the study was conducted at elementary schools.” – Conan O’Brien
“A New York City policeman has become world-famous now for a viral pic of him giving a pair of boots to a homeless man. Then Nicolas Cage said, ‘Thanks for the shoes’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mexico’s new president said his country’s problems with the U.S. aren’t just about drugs and border security. He said it’s really about America’s insistence that Taco Bell is Mexican food.” – Conan O’Brien
“Jeff Zucker, the former head of NBC, is taking over CNN. And today Wolf Blitzer announced in five years he’s stepping aside for Conan O’Brien.” – Craig Ferguson
