“The second presidential debate is on tonight. President Obama is now saying he was too polite to Mitt Romney in the first debate. Obama now plans to address Romney as ‘Money Bag’.” – Conan O’Brien
“They agreed the subjects for the debate were foreign and domestic issues. Which pretty much covers everything, doesn’t it? Where else is there besides foreign and domestic issues? Space, I guess?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“One of President Obama’s goals tonight is to win back female voters. Which explains why Obama is going to answer every question with a passage from ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Everybody is talking about the presidential debate. The second debate was on earlier tonight. I liked the part when Mitt Romney said ‘Boooo, China.’ And Obama was like, ‘Yay, old people’.” – Craig Ferguson
“Tonight’s debate was what they call the town hall format, which is where real voters get to ask questions and the candidates ignore them and just talk about what they wanted to in the first place.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“One of the rules was that the moderator will not ask follow-up questions or comment on either the questions asked by the audience or the answers by the candidates. So basically one of tonight’s debate rules was that no one was allowed to debate.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Apparently Mitt Romney wants to limit his appearances to places where no one will attack his positions. You know, like the debates.” – Craig Ferguson
“I don’t know why they had a debate. This race was over last night when Honey Boo Boo made her official endorsement. She’s pulling for Barack Obama. They say as goes Honey Boo Boo, so goes the election.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Polling across the country shows the presidential race is now neck and neck. It’s an even tie between not Barack Obama and not Mitt Romney.” – Conan O’Brien
“Ross Perot has endorsed Mitt Romney. This could help Romney get the vote of people you forgot were still alive.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Obama campaign is releasing a new ad showing Americans whose financial situation has improved over the past four years. Unfortunately, the only person who appears in the ad is Mitt Romney.” – Conan O’Brien
“After Paul Ryan stopped by for a photo op at a soup kitchen, the head of the charity said Ryan did nothing. In other words, that man is ready to be vice president.” – Conan O’Brien
