“A new poll found that only 47 percent of voters find Mitt Romney to be trustworthy. Then Romney was like, ‘Well, I hope it’s not the same 47 percent I don’t care about.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“This week President Obama’s Facebook page received more than a million ‘Likes’ in a single day. All of them from Republicans who watched last week’s debate.” – Jimmy Fallon
“There is a lot of anticipation for tonight’s vice-presidential debate. Joe Biden took six days off to prepare for it. President Obama took just two days off. Well, three if you count the actual debate.” – Jay Leno
“Before the debate, Ryan said he’ll stick to the facts. So, see, he’s already lying.” – David Letterman
“We haven’t seen Paul Ryan talk much. He’s a very serious guy. Paul Ryan seems like the guy you see at the bank who really hates standing in line.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Paul Ryan’s handling committee says he just has to do one thing. All he has to do is not look like a beady-eyed little weasel.” – David Letterman
“Paul Ryan looks like the guy who guards the keg at a frat party.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Paul Ryan went on tonight. It seemed like someone spiked Biden’s ensure with a five-hour energy drink or something. He was very fired up.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Earlier tonight was the vice presidential debate. A lot of people say who cares, but let me tell you something. One of these two gentlemen will be walking the White House dog.” – David Letterman
“Because President Obama and Mitt Romney went way over their time limits, they put safety measures in place for this debate to make sure it didn’t happen again. I think they got this idea from award shows. Biden didn’t even have time to thank his agent.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Astronomers have discovered a planet that is twice the size of earth and made of diamonds. President Obama says the planet may be inhabited by aliens not paying their fair share.” – Jay Leno
