“Apparently after last week’s debate, polls show Obama trailing Romney by one point. One point — or as it’s also known, ‘the thing Obama failed to make during last week’s debate.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Democrats are accusing Mitt Romney of cheating during the debate. I don’t know who he cheated off of, but I think we can rule out President Obama.” – Jay Leno
“Last night, a woman on QVC fainted on the air, but her co-host kept talking as if nothing had happened. One person was unconscious while the other one just kept talking — kind of like last week’s presidential debate.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Unemployment is 7.8 percent, the lowest it’s been since Obama took office. The Obama campaign said they can’t wait to take these statistics and not use them in the next debate.” – Jay Leno
“I gotta say, if you’re cooking the books, 7.8 percent unemployment is a shitty recipe.” – Jon Stewart (on Republican accusations that Obama manipulated the unemployment numbers)
“It’s Nobel Prize season. Earlier today a medical team received the Nobel Prize for reviving the Mitt Romney campaign.” – David Letterman
“Fox News is upset that empty headed puppets are trying to brainwash and indoctrinate Americans. Perhaps they could sue them for copyright infringement.” – Jon Stewart (on Sesame Street)
“Joe Biden is taking no chances for his upcoming vice-presidential debate with Paul Ryan. He’s taking six days off to prepare. Six days off from what?” – David Letterman
“The vice-presidential debate is just three days away. Republican candidate Paul Ryan says he expects Joe Biden to come at him ‘like a cannonball’. In response, Biden was like, ‘There’s gonna be a pool there?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The format for the vice-presidential debate is different. The candidates spend 90 minutes guessing the actual retail price of merchandise.” – David Letterman
“While the average American’s net worth has gone down in the last four years, the net worth of the average member of Congress has actually gone up. No wonder Congress isn’t motivated to do anything — they’re the only ones better off now than they were four years ago.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama was here in Los Angeles last night. He was here with his agent taking meetings in case things don’t work out next month.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The president was here with a concert that included Katy Perry, Jennifer Hudson, and George Clooney. If Obama goes more than a month without seeing George Clooney, he gets nervous.” – Jimmy Kimmel
