“After months of buildup, last night was the first presidential debate at the University of Denver. Of course, a lot of big names didn’t show up to the event — Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, President Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s like Obama wasn’t even there. He hasn’t done this poorly since he debated Clint Eastwood.” – Stephen Colbert
“They say close to 60 million people may have watched the debate. In fact, the only person who didn’t tune in was President Obama. What happened?” – Jay Leno
“There is no red America! There is no blue America! There is only the America that can’t believe how bad this guy did in the debate.” – Jon Stewart
“A lot of people disappointed in President Obama’s performance last night. Last night, critics say President Obama spent too much time looking down at something on the podium. And today the president apologized and said, ‘At the next debate, no more angry birds’.” – Conan O’Brien
“The president seemed a little bit out of it last night. He had all the enthusiasm of a husband talking to his wife’s friends at a dinner party.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama talked last night about finding new sources of energy. He couldn’t muster enough energy for the 90-minute debate. And to make matters worse, last night was his anniversary. The only way his wedding anniversary could have been worse was if he had forgotten it.” – Jay Leno
“Most analysts think Mitt Romney won the debate last night. Which means President Obama lost two fights on his anniversary last night.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The president seemed a little bit out of it last night. He had all the enthusiasm of a husband talking to his wife’s friends at a dinner party.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“At one point last night President said the one thing about being president is learning to say no — especially when someone asks, ‘Do you feel ready for this debate?'” – Conan O’Brien
“The president seemed to give long-winded, disjointed answers during last night’s debate. Even Gary Busey was like, ‘Dude, you’ve got to focus.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The consensus is that Mitt Romney won the presidential debate last night. The only people who thought Obama won were the replacement refs.” – Jay Leno
“Now you know me. I’m a staunch conservative and I condemn any Republican who distances themselves from everything he has said on the campaign trail. But it worked, so fuck it.'” – Stephen Colbert (on Mitt Romney lying at the presidential debate)
“Say what you will about Mitt Romney. Less night I thought he was energetic, he was crisp, he was dynamic. What have you done with the real Mitt Romney?” – David Letterman
“Mitt Romney did so well last night, hell he may even release his tax return. He did so well last night, he might even let poor people vote.” – David Letterman
“He just told the moderator — who works at PBS — I’m going to throw your ass out on the street old man! Not only you, but all those free-loading Muppets! That doesn’t just take one ball, it takes TWO! TWO ENORMOUS BALLS! Ha-ha-ha!” –Stephen Colbert (impersonating Sesame Street’s The Count, referring to Romney’s attack on the popular children’s show)
“During last night’s debate, Mitt Romney said he’d cut funds to PBS, even though he loves Big Bird. He’s definitely against whatever the hell Bert and Ernie are up to.” – Conan O’Brien
“During last night’s debate Mitt Romney said that he loves Big Bird. What made it even more awkward was that the question was, “Can you explain your tax plan?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mitt Romney said he’s going to get rid of Big Bird and slash PBS. And then he mentions Donald Trump, who endorses Mitt Romney. It’s interesting — one is a comical TV character with synthetic yellow hair, and then you have Big Bird.” – David Letterman
“Mitt Romney went after PBS last night. It’s about time someone went after those guys. It’s about time someone took some starch out of their collars.” – Conan O’Brien
“60 million people watched this from around the world. And from the Cayman Islands, even Mitt’s money was watching.” – David Letterman
“Moderator for the debate last night was Jim Lehrer of PBS, and Jim was as in control of this evening as a replacement referee.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Jim Lehrer had trouble making sure the candidates stuck to the rules last night. Even NFL replacement refs were like, ‘This guy’s a disaster!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The only thing that could have salvaged the president’s performance would have been if the body of bin Laden fell from the ceiling onto the stage.” – Jimmy Kimmel
