“The presidential debate is on Wednesday. Mitt Romney has been preparing for the debate by debating a Republican senator who plays the part of President Obama. Meanwhile, President Obama has been preparing for Romney by debating an ATM machine.” – Conan O’Brien
“The math behind how Romney can give everyone a 20% tax cut without bankrupting the government is just way too advanced for us regular folk to understand. It’s unfathomably complex, like string theory. You’d have to grasp that the universe is actually 11 coexistent dimensions, eight of which is where Romney shelters his wealth.” – Stephen Colbert
“Ann Romney says that if Mitt is elected she would worry about his mental health. Well, there’s a ringing endorsement.” – David Letterman
“The middle class is broken down by the side of the road, and Paul Ryan is driving up in a black windowless van and saying, ‘Get in.’ … Just get in. And it puts the lotion on its body.” – Stephen Colbert
“Florida election officials say at least 10 counties have identified suspicious and possibly fraudulent voter registration forms. And they were turned in by a firm working for the Republican Party of Florida. I guess they got suspicious when they realized most of the votes were for Bob Dole.” – Jay Leno
“Arnold Schwarzenegger’s book is out today. Arnold’s book reveals all the secrets he kept from his wife. That’s why it’s a million pages long.” – Craig Ferguson
“Arnold Schwarzenegger was on ’60 Minutes’ promoting his book. He said you can’t run from your mistakes. You have to confront them. Yeah, especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad.” – Conan O’Brien
“The part of the book everyone’s going to skip to is the part where he talks about the maid and the love child. He says he didn’t think the kid was his at first – mostly because the kid could speak English.” – Craig Ferguson
“Arnold Schwarzenegger was interviewed on ’60 Minutes.’ He revealed that he performed two same-sex marriages while he was governor of California. Of course, the marriages aren’t official because the couples couldn’t understand what Arnold was saying.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Arnold Schwarzenegger gave an interview to ’60 Minutes’ last night. In the interview, Arnold says you can’t run from your mistakes. Yeah, especially when they have feet of their own.” – Jay Leno
“Arnold says in the book cheating on Maria was the stupidest thing he ever did. Excuse me, but I saw ‘Jingle All the Way.'” – Craig Ferguson
“Despite the scandal, Schwarzenegger was a popular governor. So popular that Republicans wanted to repeal the natural-born citizen law that prevented him from running for president. So a president born in Austria would have been OK, but a president born in Kenya – NO!” – Craig Ferguson
