“Mitt, you just keep demanding that Americans answer the question: are you better off than you were four years ago? But just don’t answer it yourself, cause that would mean releasing more than two years of tax returns.” – Stephen Colbert
“Computer hackers claim to have stolen Mitt Romney’s tax returns and are willing to leak them publicly unless the Romney campaign agrees to pay them $1 million. This is such an unethical money-making scheme that Mitt Romney said he was quite impressed. ‘I could use these guys at Bain Capital.'” – Jay Leno
“The signature question of this presidential campaign is, “Are you better off than you were four years ago?” As a comedian, I have to say no. I miss Bush and Cheney; they were the golden age. I wish they were here. I am not better off.” – Jay Leno
“We got some bad economic news. The United States has slipped further down the global ranking of the world’s most competitive economies. We’re now #7. Switzerland is number one. Romney said, ‘See, that’s why I keep my money there.'” – Jay Leno
“Everyone is still talking about Bill Clinton’s speech last night in Charlotte. It was a remarkable speech, 45 minutes long and 6,000 words. Like the political version of the guitar solo from ‘Freebird.'” – Craig Ferguson
“Both conventions are over, and if you watched, I think it’s pretty clear who should be the next president of the United States – Bill Clinton. He was unbelievable. According to Democrats, he won the election for Obama, he helped the cowboys beat the Giants, and he even had time to go to Hooters afterward.” – Jay Leno
“Bill Clinton said that President Obama inherited a deeply damaged economy. And if he’s re-elected he’ll inherit an even more deeply damaged economy.” – Jay Leno
“You know who’s a big supporter of President Obama? Scarlett Johansson. I think I’ll wait until I hear what Katherine Heigl has to say.” – David Letterman
“Today Scarlett Johansson, Kerry Washington, and Eva Longoria all spoke at the Democratic convention. This means that Obama has all about clinched the crucial 13-year-old boy vote.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama’s speech was moved from the Bank of America stadium to the Time Warner Cable Arena. They had to move out of the big venue into a smaller place. Like a lot of homeowners in the past four years.” – Jay Leno
“In a related story, Vice President Joe Biden’s speech also was moved to a smaller venue – the back room at Denny’s, the booth in the corner.” – Jay Leno
“This morning Tom Brokaw had to be taken to the hospital after accidentally taking an Ambien sleeping pill. And tonight he was taken to the hospital again after accidentally listening to a speech by Joe Biden.” – Conan O’Brien
“Happy birthday to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who is 50 years old. They had a cake for him. He blew out the candles and then he wished for another cake.” – David Letterman
