“I’m very excited; we have Ron Paul on the show tonight. Unlike the Republicans, we’re actually going to let him speak.” – Jay Leno
“That had to be rough for Ron Paul. You run for president, you win a bunch of delegates, and not only is he not allowed to speak but he couldn’t even sit down because they gave his chair to Clint Eastwood.” – Jay Leno
“Outside it’s like 82 and cloudy – like Clint Eastwood.” – David Letterman
“Chuck Norris said that if President Obama is re-elected it will lead ‘to a thousand years of darkness.’ Then he said if Mitt Romney wins, it will lead to four years of extreme whiteness.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Republicans are really going after Obama. They asked, ‘Are you better off now than you were four years ago?’ Americans said ‘No, we’re worse off because we never heard of Honey Boo Boo.'” – Conan O’Brien
“But Paul [Ryan], my man, be smart about this. You keep stretching the truth about things that anyone can look up on the internet … check yourself before you wreck yourself.” – Stephen Colbert
“Over the weekend, a chef in Minnesota created the world’s largest bacon cheeseburger, weighing in at over 2,000 pounds. And if you want to hear what it tasted like, you’ll just have to wait until I interview Chris Christie.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Democratic Convention began tonight. What a difference four years makes. Last time the theme was ‘Hope and change.’ This year the theme is ‘Hope you don’t make a change.'” – Jay Leno
“The Democratic National Convention is under way. For three days in Charlotte, N.C., everything the Democrats do is good. And everything Republicans do is evil. It doesn’t bother me. I live in Hollywood. It is like that here every day.” – Craig Ferguson
“Today was the start of the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, N.C. They’re going all out to make sure it tops last week’s Republican convention. In fact, I heard at this one they’re going to have Clint Eastwood yell at a couch.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I hope they go easy on Clint Eastwood. It wasn’t his best performance last week at the Republican convention, but he’s given us decades of great films. So Democrats, if you’re looking to mock Mitt Romney by dragging an inanimate object out onto the stage, why not just use Mitt Romney?” – Craig Ferguson
“Much like the Republicans, the Democrats are also going to have a mystery speaker. I believe it’s Mitt Romney’s dog.” – Jay Leno
“Former Democratic nominee John Kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy. It will be like Clint Eastwood’s speech except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience.” – Craig Ferguson
“Former President Bill Clinton will be in Charlotte tomorrow night. And he’ll also be at the convention.” – David Letterman
“The first two nights of the Democratic convention are at the Time Warner Cable Arena and the big speech by President Obama will be at the Bank of America Stadium. That’s good thinking, the two things Americans love most: cable companies and banks.” – Jay Leno
“There are reports that nine of the hotels being used for politicians at the Democratic National Convention have bedbugs. When asked what it’s like to have to deal with thousands of ruthless bloodsuckers, the bedbugs were like, ‘Eh, it’s OK’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Two California Democratic delegates have already been kicked out of convention for getting completely drunk. One passed out, the other was accused of impersonating a member of Congress. They knew he wasn’t a real member of Congress because he was buying his drinks with his own money.” – Jay Leno
“If you’re a donor to President Obama’s campaign, you were promised exclusive access to Joe Biden – and for an extra $10,000 absolutely no access to Joe Biden.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama is spending his free time in the White House making beer, and apparently the beer is so good that the White House is now releasing the recipe. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney will be releasing his own recipe for root beer.” – David Letterman
“On Saturday the White House released President Obama’s personal recipe for a home-brewed beer. That’s how bad the economy is. Not only is our president drinking, he’s drinking beer he made in his bathtub.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I wish somebody would release the recipe for fixing the economy. – David Letterman
“Did you have a nice Labor Day? It’s the day we honor the American worker. When I say an American worker, I mean an 8-year-old kid in China.” – David Letterman
