“Mitt Romney said he will not release any more tax returns. He said that he guarantees that he paid at least 13 percent every year. 13 percent? That’s not a tax, that’s a tip. In fact, it’s even a crappy tip.” – Jay Leno
“In a new interview with Fortune magazine, Mitt Romney says he wants to cut funding for PBS. When he heard that, Oscar the Grouch was like, ‘Seriously? I already live in a garbage can — how much worse can my life get?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mitt Romney wants to cut funding for PBS. That explains why today “Sesame Street” was brought to you by the letters ‘O and “Bama.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan are now campaigning separately. They didn’t want to, but Chick-Fil-A threatened to pull their campaign contributions. Getting too loose. Kind of a bromance.” – Jay Leno
“Paul Ryan looks like a guy who owns his own chain of nursing homes.” – David Letterman
“Paul Ryan likes to catch a catfish bare-handed. He’ll wade into a river and pull it out with his bare hands. Meanwhile, Chris Christie likes to reach into the tank at Red Lobster.” – David Letterman
“You all remember Donald Trump. He was the guy who thought President Obama was born in Kenya. Hey, I got a message for Donald Trump: ‘Kenya’ shut up?” – David Letterman
“President Obama met with Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner in the Oval Office. They agreed on a new economic plan after losing last night’s big Powerball lottery.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama is still reminding people that he inherited this economy. Let me tell you something. If this economy doesn’t turn around soon, his inheritance could be cut off in November.” – Jay Leno
“Joe Biden has a new slogan — “Chains you can believe in’.” – Jay Leno
“Even though he made a number of gaffes this week, President Obama says he’s sticking with Joe Biden as his running mate, and Biden is thrilled. Of course he’s thrilled. Do you want to be looking for a job in this economy?” – Jay Leno
“When Facebook stock went on the market, it was priced at $38 a share. Now, a share is worth $18.99. Market analysts have said we’re not posting enough pictures of our cats on Facebook.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Some investors are suing Facebook saying they were misled. Their CEO is a kid in a hoodie. That’s how much we have been misled.” – Jimmy Kimmel
