“Mitt Romney is hoping to energize Republicans by announcing Paul Ryan as his running mate. Seriously? That’s like trying to spice up a bowl of oatmeal with more oatmeal.” – Jimmy Fallon
“On Sunday, Mitt Romney chose Paul Ryan as his running mate. Forty-three percent of Americans have never heard of Ryan and the others thought he was the private that Tom Hanks brought home from Normandy.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“How many of you have the Paul Ryan fever? They say that Paul Ryan will humanize Romney. And I thought, hell, an amoeba could humanize Romney.” – David Letterman
“Paul Ryan’s plan is to cut government spending with his razor-sharp widow’s peak. … You could open a can of beans with that.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I like the looks of this Paul Ryan, the representative from Wisconsin. He reminds me of who your sister would date in college. He looks like one of those guys who pretends to be a doctor on an infomercial. He reminds me of the guy at Olive Garden who comes over to see how everything was.” – David Letterman
“His eyes are just so blue. It’s like looking into a Smurf’s anus.” – Jon Stewart
“Romney and Ryan kind of look like a father and son in an ad for Super Cuts.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“During the announcement, Mitt Romney said that he and Paul Ryan are ‘America’s Comeback Team.’ You know, as in ‘come back in four years and try again.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Paul Ryan, like Mitt Romney, and like President Obama and like Joe Biden, is a good family man. We have four good family men in this presidential race. See, what about me? I don’t need family men, I have a monologue. I need more Herman Cains, I need John Edwards.” – Jay Leno
“In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof.” – David Letterman
“Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn’t win. But next year, he’ll be competing in ‘Dancing with the Stars.'” – David Letterman
“Athletes from the United States did very well in the Olympics. They won more medals than any country. So congratulations to all the Olympic medal winners/future “Dancing With the Stars” contestants.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“After Romney’s horse finished 18th it refused to release its tax records.” – David Letterman
“Usain Bolt won the gold for the men’s 100- and 200-meter dashes for the second Olympics in a row. You know, he has been running since he was in elementary school — kind of like Mitt Romney.” – Jay Leno
“It was a great Olympics – Team USA finished the games with 17 more medals than China. China said it was tough to swallow – especially when they had to make all of our “We’re #1” T-shirts.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Wasn’t it thrilling when the U.S. Women’s team took home the gold in gymnastics? A group of American teenagers getting a higher score than Chinese kids? That never happens.” – Jay Leno
“How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn’t London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here’s what happened. We got outbribed.” – David Letterman
“Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men’s soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team, of course, returned home to their houses here in Los Angeles.” – Jay Leno
