“At a basketball game, the President and Michelle Obama got caught off-guard on a kiss cam. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney was caught off-guard by the show us your tax returns cam.” – Conan O’Brien
“During last night’s USA-Brazil basketball game, President Obama gave Michelle a kiss when they were shown on the kiss cam. That’s cute. It explains why everyone was like, ‘quick, put him on the fix the economy cam!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday in Cincinnati, President Barack Obama had a meeting with Jerry Springer. He is trying to win the vote of husbands who cheat on their wives with men. That’s a big demographic.” – Craig Ferguson
“Yesterday in Cincinnati, Jerry Springer announced that he is endorsing Obama. Don’t get too excited. Obama still has to win over Judge Judy and Maury.” – Jimmy Fallon
“After years of criticism for his poor record on boosting employment, President Barack Obama is pleased to announce today he created a job. Congratulations to Amelio Markham from Smithsburg, Maryland, on his new job, making charts illustrating President Obama’s downward spiraling approval ratings.” – David Letterman
“Mitt Romney is close to announcing his running mate. Apparently Romney wants a female with a strong stage presence and the free time to campaign. So I’m guessing Steven Tyler.” – Craig Ferguson
“Sarah Palin hasn’t yet received an invitation to the Republican Convention… I don’t think she should feel bad. A lot of Republicans aren’t excited that Mitt Romney is going.” – Jay Leno
“Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It’s for the American Olympic team and it’s berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.” – David Letterman
“Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they’re just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it’s an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as Congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing.” – Jay Leno
“You know anything about North Korea? The evil North Koreans? They have a new evil dictator. But the kid is like 18 years old and he has a beautiful girlfriend. I mean a stunning, lovely girlfriend and they met through the North Korean dating service match.commie.” – David Letterman
