“Yesterday in New Hampshire, President Obama said Americans need someone who will wake up every single day and fight for their jobs. Then he said, ‘But until we find that guy, I’m still your best choice.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Analysts, according to The Wall Street Journal, say the weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. So basically the worse the economy is, the lower the price of oil. Do you know what that means? If Obama gets re-elected, gas could be free.” – Jay Leno
“Today Joe Biden said the only place Mitt Romney has created jobs is in China. This has sparked an angry rebuttal from Romney spokesperson Wen Cheng-Bao.” – Conan O’Brien
“The latest rumor is that Mitt Romney’s running mate will be a white male from Ohio. Or as Romney refers to him, ‘a person of color.'” – Conan O’Brien
“A new study found that a record number of America’s wealthiest citizens are renouncing their citizenship to avoid high taxes. Which explains why today Donald Trump claimed HE was born in Kenya.” – Jimmy Fallon
“There’s this new movie out called “Machete” and in the film, Charlie Sheen has been cast to play the President of the United States. Charlie Sheen as President? Really? Don’t you see Charlie as more of a Secret Service kind of guy?” – Jay Leno
“Regis Philbin will be hosting the fourth hour of the ‘Today’ show with Kathie Lee Gifford. Of course, the Supreme Court has to rule whether it’s constitutional.” – David Letterman
“Former President Jimmy Carter has criticized the U.S. for using drones to kill terrorists. A lot of people agree with Carter. They’re all terrorists, but they agree with Carter.” – Jay Leno
“Rielle Hunter announced she and John Edwards have broken up. That’s scary. When a lying cheater and his home-wrecking mistress can’t work things out, what chance is there for the rest of us?” – Jay Leno
