“Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who is 66 years old today. The first thing he did this morning – he demanded to see his own birth certificate.” – David Letterman
“Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who turned 66 years old today. He didn’t want a big party so he just invited a few close friends to comb over — I mean, come over.” – Jimmy Fallon
“They had a great party for Donald Trump with a beautiful cake. It was 50 stories high with retail and parking. They even had a clown. It was Donald himself.” – David Letterman
“There’s talk that this October President Obama might announce his support for legalizing marijuana. Which explains why he’s moving his family from the White House to White Castle.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Federal prosecutors announced they are dropping all charges against John Edwards. So ladies, he’s available!” – Jay Leno
“Charges against John Edwards have been dropped; charges against Lance Armstrong have been reinstated… So let’s clarify – it’s okay to cheat on your wife and use millions of dollars in campaign funds to cover it up, but God help you if you’re an American who wins a bicycle race in France. You are screwed.” – Jay Leno
“Republican Senator John McCain and Democrat Harry Reid have called for the federal government to step in and help regulate the sport of boxing. Is that a good idea – something so corrupt and unethical attempting to regulate something so corrupt and unethical?” – Jay Leno
“Happy Flag Day. Flag Day is the day in which we honor the symbol of our nation and the 8-year-old Chinese kids who make them for us for a nickel apiece.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Guantanamo Bay is getting millions and millions of dollars of upgrades and renovations. In fact, they’re not even calling it a detention camp anymore. It’s now a gated community.” – Jay Leno
