“The White House softball team played the pro-marijuana lobbyists’ team and lost 25-3. Still no word yet on which side President Obama played for.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama is coming to Chicago this weekend. Obama is introducing his new economic plan as part of the Just For Laughs Festival.” – Conan O’Brien
“TV icon Betty White visited President Obama in the Oval Office this week. The last time Betty visited the White House, it was still under construction.” – Jay Leno
“Betty White visited President Obama at the White House. The first time Betty was at the White House she was stayed in the Lincoln Bedroom – with Lincoln.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama is going to a fundraiser at Sarah Jessica Parker’s house. It will be a formal, sit-down dinner for 200 in her shoe closet.” – Conan O’Brien
“The commerce secretary, a guy named John Bryson – have you heard about this? He got cited for felony hit-and-run here in California, after he crashed into a car, got out, talked to the other driver, got back in his car, crashed into the other car again, drove away, and then crashed into another car. He’s now taking a leave of absence. The good news? It’s the first new job the White House has created all year. That’s good news!” – Jay Leno
“Tonight was the premiere of a new version of the TV show ‘Dallas’ with Larry Hagman. … The original “Dallas” series started in 1978. Back then, America was very different. We had an ineffective, one-term president. Gas prices were through the roof. We were in a stand-off with Iran. I’m glad those dark days are over.” – Craig Ferguson
“Have you seen this video that’s gone viral of Mitt Romney having trouble trying to recognize a chocolate donut? It’s all over the web. At first he said, ‘Is that Beluga caviar on a bagel? What is that?’ That’s why he needs Chris Christie as his vice president. If anyone can identify a donut, it’s Chris Christie.” – Jay Leno
“China is now preparing to send their first woman into outer space. Which at first seems like a feminist breakthrough until you realize she doesn’t want to go.” – Jay Leno
“According to The New York Times, Mexican drug cartels launder millions and million of dollars through horse races. I hate to see something like betting on horses become corrupt and seedy. What’s next, boxing?” – Jay Leno
