“Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad about the economy featuring out-of-work Americans. It gets weird at the end when he says, ‘I’m Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket.” – David Letterman
“You know what he did with that money? He took Warren Buffett to lunch.” – David Letterman
“A new report found that Mitt Romney’s economic plan would not have any effect on unemployment. When he heard that Romney’s plan wouldn’t make any difference, Obama was like, ‘Hey, that’s MY thing!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“At a recent speech Obama said he wants to build an economy where hard work pays off. Which explains why Obama’s approval rating just went down by three Kardashians.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s great to be back in Chicago. Illinois Rep. Derek Smith has been accused of accepting a $7,000 bribe. If he’s found guilty, he could serve up to four years as the state’s governor.” – Conan O’Brien
“The last time I did a late-night show in Chicago, my guest was an up-and-coming senator called Barack Obama. And now just six short years later, he’s gone on to become a socialist Muslim from Kenya.” – Conan O’Brien
“Rand Paul… do you know who Rand Paul is? He is the son of Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul, who has not dropped out of the race yet… Well; Rand Paul has now endorsed Mitt Romney. That’s got to make for an awkward Father’s Day this Sunday, doesn’t it? “Hey pop, what do you want for Father’s Day?” “I don’t know; a little support might be nice!” – Jay Leno
“Ron Paul’s son is a senator from Kentucky, and he’s now endorsing Mitt Romney. I know how that feels. My son watches Jay.” – David Letterman
“A new government survey shows that teenagers are now smoking more marijuana than they are smoking cigarettes. Experts say heavy pot smoking by young people impairs thinking, distorts perception, and can be a gateway to the White House.” – Jay Leno
“Commerce Secretary John Bryson has been cited for felony hit and run after he crashed into a car. Then he drove away and hit another car. He said he had a seizure — to which Lindsay Lohan said, ‘Why didn’t I think of that? I had a seizure.'” – Jay Leno
