“President Obama’s campaign is spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial hitting Mitt Romney’s business record. Though Obama’s made some bad business moves too — like spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial.” – Jimmy Fallon
“There were some tense moments yesterday during President Obama’s visit to Los Angeles. Three private planes drifted into his restricted air space. And as you know, the president’s restricted air space can be penetrated only by people donating more than $35,000.” – Jay Leno
“Another al-Qaida No. 2 guy was hit by a drone. I’m telling you, these Al Qaeda leaders, they don’t last as long as a Kardashian marriage.” – David Letterman
“There was another drone attack ordered by the White House last night. They sent Joe Biden out to give a speech. He was just droning on.” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney’s got to think about picking a vice president pretty soon. And it’s kind of a tough situation because political pundits say he needs to select a running mate that is duller than he is. The only problem is that guy is already vice president.” – Jay Leno
“Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed giant cans of soda. When you outlaw stuff it creates crime. I saw a guy today walking down the street and a cop is arresting him because he’s got a huge can of soda, and he said ‘No, no, this is medicinal Mountain Dew.'” – David Letterman
“Now Mayor Bloomberg wants to make something else illegal. He wants to remove the third layer from a club sandwich.” – David Letterman
“Former GOP candidate Rick Santorum said he’s planning to make a big announcement tomorrow. It’ll probably be something really huge like, ‘Hello shoppers, we’ve got a 2-for-1 sale on Tide in aisle five!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“DC Comics has come out with the news that superhero Green Lantern is gay. In fact, when he heard the news, Batman turned to Superman and said, ‘I told you.'” – Jay Leno
“The founder of USA Today recently referred to Donald Trump as a ‘clown.’ Even clowns were like, ‘Are you kidding? That guy’s hair is ridiculous.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Comedian Bill Maher has purchased a minority share of the New York Mets. He’s going to change the team’s name to the New York Smirking Atheists.” – Conan O’Brien
