“Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney at 11:00 last night. When reached for comment, Santorum said, ‘When I can’t sleep, I try endorsing Mitt Romney for president and it puts me right out.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Santorum woke up this morning and said, ‘I endorsed who?'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Rick Santorum gave Mitt Romney his endorsement. So Mitt gets all of Santorum’s delegates and all of his sweater vests.” – David Letterman
“Last night Rick Santorum finally endorsed his former rival for president. This is the fun part where people who say bad things about each other suddenly pretend they’re on the same team. It’s like a ‘Jersey Shore’ special.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Apparently Rick Santorum endorsed Mitt Romney last night very late via email. That just makes Santorum one of the 10 million guys ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer.” – Conan O’Brien
“Usually they do these on TV together, but in this case Santorum made the endorsement in the 13th paragraph of an email he sent out just before midnight. Sounds like somebody had a bottle of sparkling apple cider for dinner.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In the email, Santorum acknowledged his differences with Romney, but said they have common-ground thoughts about the economy and foreign policy. And they both like pleated Dockers.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“They’re looking for a vice president for Mitt and I said to forget the vice president. You ought to be looking for a personality for Mitt.” – David Letterman
“Police in Fort Wayne, Indiana, arrested a man for allegedly driving three blocks with four young children strapped to the hood of his car. Good to see Mitt Romney spending some time with the family, huh?” – Jay Leno
“Today happens to have been National Teacher Day… National Teacher Day has been around since 1953, and it seems like a nice gesture, until you realize that there’s also a National Donut Day, which gets more attention.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In the last year, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s approval rating has gone up 12 points. That’s impressive. Usually, the only time he picks up a dozen is when he goes to Krispy Kreme.” – Jimmy Fallon
“New predictions out today claim 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop that is for the government to step in. Oh yeah, when it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, what better way than the U.S. government?” – Jay Leno
“Vice President Joe Biden has come out in support of same-sex marriage. President Obama never endorsed gay marriage. But now he’s in favor of gay Secret Service agents.” – Jay Leno
“That Colombian prostitute caught in the middle of this whole Secret Service scandal is now speaking out publicly. She says she feels used, abused, undervalued, and underappreciated. Here’s an idea: stop being a prostitute. If you stop doing that, maybe your life will turn around.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama’s re-election campaign is focusing very hard on Latino voters. That explains President Obama’s new campaign slogan: If you squint, I kind of look Puerto Rican.” – Conan O’Brien
“I hate to dampen everybody’s spirit but they busted up another one of these exploding underpants plots. All I can say is thanks a lot, underpants bombers, because now at airport security we have to put our underpants in a tray.” – David Letterman
