“After winning five primaries yesterday, Mitt Romney has his new campaign slogan. ‘Well, I guess you’re stuck with me.'” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday Mitt Romney won all five of the primaries. Apparently when you buy four primaries, you get the fifth for free.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mitt Romney gets a lot of criticism because he’s kind of stiff, he’s sort of cold, he’s sort of aloof. And I thought, ‘Well, wait a minute. Let’s look at the bright side of this.’ Mitt Romney is an inspiration to kids all over this country who sadly were born without a personality.” – David Letterman
“Romney proves with a little hard work and a little luck, even a multi-millionaire white guy from Harvard can succeed in this country.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday’s show was incredible — we had the president of the United States, Barack Obama, on the show. Obama hung out with me backstage, he did ‘Slow Jam the News,’ he gave a long interview — at one point, I was like, ‘Dude, don’t you have a country to run?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Republicans release a new anti-Obama attack ad. I can’t wait to hear what country he was born in now!” – Stephen Colbert
“In the wake of the Colombian prostitution scandal, another Secret Service agent has been removed from his position at the White House and demoted to protecting the animatronic presidents at Disney world.” – David Letterman
From David Letterman’s “Top Ten Signs Your Boss Is A Jerk”: #1. Always nags you to guard the president instead of sleeping with hookers.
“Yesterday the Dalai Lama said he likes George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, Bush said, ‘I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama.'” – Conan O’Brien
