“Did you hear how they caught those Secret Service agents with prostitutes in Colombia? Apparently the men were walking around wearing nothing but their sunglasses and those earpieces.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama talked about the Secret Service prostitution scandal, saying he’s reserving judgment until all the facts are in, or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on Mitt Romney.” – Craig Ferguson
“Mitt Romney has already begun the process of choosing a running mate. Romney wants someone with a different ethnicity who appeals to women, so his first choice is President Obama.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Democrats accuse the Republicans of launching a war on women. Then the Republicans accuse the Democrats of the same thing. At this point, who can remember who enacted reproductive health restrictions in 36 states including mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds?” – Stephen Colbert
“At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you’re named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A British historical society declared that Britain’s greatest foe of all time was George Washington, our George Washington. Coming in second place was Adolf Hitler and third place went to Madonna’s accent.” – Conan O’Brien
