“New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘black man loots house, steals white woman.’” – Bill Maher
“Cory Booker is not the only New Jersey politician who’s done something brave like this. Gov. Chris Crisco – sorry Chris Christie – once ran into a burning restaurant to save 15 pounds of prime rib, but then got stuck in the window going out and burned his ass.” – Bill Maher
“Last night Newark Mayor Cory Booker rescued a woman trapped inside a burning house. Not to be outdone, Governor Chris Christie rescued a Tostito that fell in his artichoke dip.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama on Wednesday gave a speech surrounded by a group of millionaires and their secretaries calling for Congress to pass the Buffet Rule and raise taxes on the rich. Confusing many who thought the Buffet Rule was ‘only sing along with chorus.'” – Seth Meyers
“In an interview, President Obama said he prefers Jay-Z to Kanye. Did you know Obama was a fan of hip-hop? In fact, he has his own rap nickname, Biggie Deficit.” – Jay Leno
“It’s that time of year again, April 15, taxes. I know it’s depressing, but just remember, you’re paying for roads, bridges, hospitals, and an army to keep the nation free. Unfortunately that nation is Afghanistan.” – Bill Maher
If you feel about about so much money in this country going to defense, don’t forget, if we didn’t spend more money on weapons than every other country combined, then Iran could not put the bomb they don’t have on the Korean rocket that doesn’t work.” – Bill Maher
“Yesterday, North Korea launched a big long-range missile. It was supposed to scare everybody. It exploded less than a minute after launching. In fact, leader Kim Jong Un was so mad, he went home, kicked his dog, and then ate it.” – Jay Leno
“Now the North Koreans say they are going to test a nuclear weapon. To which I say please do. Talk about a problem taking care of itself.” – Bill Maher
“Speaking of problems taking care of itself, Rick Santorum dropped out of the race. Rick dropped out, but said he was going to keep fighting against liberalism, against secularism, and against the urge to blow Jon Hamm.” – Bill Maher
“Rick Santorum on Tuesday announced that he was suspending his campaign for the Republican Presidential nomination. In his honor, sweater sleeves will be worn at half-mast.” – Seth Meyers
“The pundits say Santorum pulled out at just the right time, which is also his birth control policy.” – Bill Maher
“Newt Gingrich is up to his chins in debt.” – David Letterman
“New Rule: If you order the new Pizza Hut pizza with the hotdog-stuffed crust, you have to pay more for healthcare. And stop acting like this is a new idea. For years, Marcus Bachmann has been telling the delivery guy ‘I’d like a wiener in my rim’.” – Bill Maher
