“The Obama administration is trying to distance itself from remarks made by long-time Democratic adviser Hilary Rosen. She said that Mitt Romney’s wife, Ann, a stay-at-home mother of five who has cancer, has never worked a day in her life. The ironic part — because of that idiotic statement, she may never work another day in her life.” – Jay Leno
“And now, even vice president Joe Biden is furious. He said, ‘Making stupid comments that hurt the president, that’s my job. She has no right.'” – Jay Leno
“Let me tell you something — if you’re the mother of five boys, you never had a day off in your life, OK?” – Jay Leno
“In an interview, once again President Obama called Kanye West a jackass. In other words, President Obama’s finally found an issue that can bring this country together.” – Conan O’Brien
“I believe that hardcore social conservatives, liberals, and everyone else is together on this one. I think even Kanye agrees.” – Conan O’Brien
“Rick Santorum has suspended his presidential campaign. He dropped out after spending a weekend in prayer, and then realizing he didn’t have one, he dropped out.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday Newt Gingrich gave a campaign speech at a senior center, scheduled between a Jazzercise class and a Bingo game. That’s when you know you’re in trouble – when your campaign speech is the least exciting thing happening at a senior center.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, ‘Unplug me.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Gingrich spoke to seniors, right before the Bingo game — which was awkward, because one of the Bingo players turned out to be Ron Paul.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today Newt Gingrich is blaming the failure of his presidential campaign on Fox News. Newt’s also blaming the failure of his diet on Cinnabon.” – Conan O’Brien
“Arnold Schwarzenegger did something interesting yesterday. On his Facebook page, he asked fans to give him ideas for things to write about in his autobiography. Apparently, he’s unfamiliar with the auto part.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“There’s certainly nothing fun about paying taxes, but you have to remember… all the money goes to a good cause, like paying the salaries of the meter maids who give you our parking tickets, and keeping welfare checks going to the Octomom, and important things like that.” – Jimmy Kimmel
