“Welcome, lotto losers. Remember, you’re not just losers. You’re mega-losers! If it makes you feel any better, the odds of winning were 176 million to 1 — about the same odds the Supreme Court will pass Obamacare.” – Jay Leno
“There were three winning lotto tickets. I guess we’re not sure who the three winners are yet. But when they do come forward, two things happen immediately. You get a call from the IRS asking for half. Then you get a call from your friends and relatives asking for the other half.” – Jay Leno
“Three people have won the Mega Millions lottery. You know what that means — three more votes for Mitt Romney.” – Conan O’Brien
“I guess Mitt Romney’s staff played an April Fools’ joke on him. They told him there was a run on the banks in the Cayman Islands. You should have seen his face.” – Jay Leno
“No, this is true; I guess his staff played a practical joke on him yesterday. They sent him out to give a speech in a room that was completely empty. He got there and the room was completely empty. Oddly enough, the audience reaction was the same as if the room had been completely full.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday was April Fool’s Day and get this: Mitt Romney’s staffers played a prank on him by staging a campaign event in an empty room. Or as Newt Gingrich put it, ‘My staffers have been playing that prank on me for six months!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney has no principles. In other words, he has given Romney his official endorsement.” – Conan O’Brien
“First Lady Michelle Obama will appear on ‘The Biggest Loser’ tomorrow night and will bring the overweight contestants to the East Room for a workout. You get the feeling that’s about the only way Newt Gingrich is ever going to get in the White House?” – Jay Leno
“Despite being broke and coming in last in the polls, Newt Gingrich says he’s in the race for the long haul, describing himself as ‘the tortoise in the race.’ The tortoise! See if he picks Donald Trump as his running mate they could be ‘the tortoise and the hair.’” – Jay Leno
“On Saturday the Empire State Building went dark for an hour to draw attention to climate change. Of course, 10 endangered eagles then crashed into the building.” – Jimmy Fallon
