“This was the week the Supreme Court heard all the arguments about health care. The mood in Washington very tense. Angry, incoherent Tea Party protesters were everywhere, including the five on the Supreme Court.” – Bill Maher
“They made their decision but we will not hear about it until June. It’s like an election in Florida. Apparently they have made the call and I don’t want to bum you out but if you get cancer, put ice on it. And unfortunately, because of global warming, we’re out of it.” – Bill Maher
“That’s the bad news: there won’t be any more health care. Of course, the good news, we will take your organs and stick them in Dick Cheney if you get sick, so you can look forward to that.” – Bill Maher
“We learned this week that Mitt Romney is building a car elevator in his house. An elevator for your cars. I get the feeling this guy wants to be president so he has a place to live while he’s remodeling his beach house.” – Bill Maher
“I’m not worried that this guy is out of touch. I’m worried he’s Batman.” – Bill Maher
“I could see Mitt as Batman. He hears about a robbery, he changes into the magic underwear, he rushes to the crime scene, and he helps the crooks manage their new money.” – Bill Maher
“Tonight was the big Mega Millions drawing. Mega Millions, isn’t that Mitt Romney’s Secret Service code name?” – Jay Leno
“Gay groups are upset because Rick Santorum wouldn’t let a boy use a pink bowling ball. Maybe Rick just likes black balls, the bigger and heftier the better.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Bad news for George Zimmerman of Florida, everyone still hates him for killing a teenager over Skittles. The bright side for him, he just won the Hunger Games.” – Bill Maher
“George Zimmerman’s family has been all over TV this week. The dad told Fox News that the real problem is so much hate coming from Obama. You know what, man. Obama has drones and Seal Team Six. If he hated you, you’d know about it.” – Bill Maher
“African American Congressman Bobby Rush wore a hoodie on the floor of Congress to make a point this week. And they threw him out. They said a hoodie is too scary for Congress. Too scary? Have you ever looked into Michele Bachmann’s eyes?” – Bill Maher
