“Today is Ann and Mitt Romney’s 43rd wedding anniversary. This means that 43 years ago Mitt proposed to his wife and due to a weak field of candidates, she said yes.” – Conan O’Brien
“Rick Santorum wants to ban pornography. That’s one of the few thriving industries America has left.” – David Letterman
“John McCain’s daughter Megan is going to be in the April issue of Playboy. I’m just glad John’s not alive to see this.” – David Letterman
“This weekend President Obama will visit the border that separates North and South Korea. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich will visit the border that separates the KFC from the Taco Bell.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday the prime minister of Ireland made President Obama an honorary Irishman. As a result, President Obama awoke this morning with a hangover and a job at the fire department.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama is calling on Iran to give its citizens better access to the Internet. Right now they only have one social networking site: ‘Cover-Your-Face Book.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Here’s what I like about Rod Blagojevich. If you want to be governor of Illinois, of course you have to run. And then you have to get elected, and then you have to go to federal prison. It’s just part of their tradition.” – David Letterman
