“This Wednesday Mitt Romney goes one-on-one in a debate against the one man who stands in the way of his nomination: Mitt Romney.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Massachusetts moderate squares off with die-hard conservative Romney on the issues. Man versus machine. Romney versus Romney.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Rick Santorum said he’s not worried about unemployment. Well, he will be in November.” – David Letterman
“Last week a tourist in Puerto Rico took a picture of Rick Santorum shirtless on the beach. I don’t want to say he looked chubby, but his new Secret Service code name is ‘Newt Gingrich.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“That’s right — Rick Santorum was seen lying on the beach without his shirt on. He would have worn sunscreen, but he’s not really into protection.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Some top Republicans are urging Newt Gingrich to leave the race, but he says he’s sticking around. If they could get him to marry the race, he would probably leave it eventually.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“When I heard the Republicans were in President Obama’s home state, I said, ‘They’re holding a primary in Kenya?'” – Craig Ferguson
“According to a new book, President Obama blames Fox News for his political problems and losing voters. How could Fox News lose voters? If you’re watching Fox News, you’re probably not voting for him in the first place.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday Vice President Joe Biden said the killing of Osama bin Laden was the most audacious plan in the last 500 years. Biden then unveiled his new line of steak knives and said, ‘Until now!'” – Conan O’Brien
