“This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty – unless she’s on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.” – Stephen Colbert
“The Army is pulling out of Rush. Meanwhile, they’re staying in Afghanistan to negotiate with the Taliban, who evidently have a better track record on women’s issues.” – Stephen Colbert (on the U.S. Army pulling ads from Rush Limbaugh’s radio show)
“If you want to avoid getting pregnant there is only one surefire way: be a man.” – Stephen Colbert
“Yesterday Rick Santorum greeted the locals by telling them if Puerto Rico wants to become a state, they need to start speaking English. Only Rick Santorum would go to someone’s native land and tell them they’re speaking the wrong language.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Rick Santorum is resonating with voters because of his authenticity. He always speaks off the cuff, which is why his sweaters don’t have sleeves.” – Stephen Colbert
“Rick Santorum says if elected president, he’ll crack down on Internet porn. You thought he was alienating female voters with that birth control thing? Oh, guys are gonna be leaving in droves.” – Jay Leno
“More and more Republicans are calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the campaign. Well, I don’t want to say things look bad for Newt, but his ex-wives now are starting to outnumber his supporters.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama said he’s set up a task force to look into high gas prices. He’d look into it himself, but he’s busy working on those NCAA tournament brackets.” – Jay Leno
