“The latest polls show President Obama’s approval rating among women has risen by 10 percent. Many people believe this increase is due to Obama’s new campaign slogan: ‘Tell me about your day.’” – Conan O’Brien
“In a few months Obama’s going to unveil this one: ‘Would you like white wine and a foot massage?’” – Conan O’Brien
“It was reported that in the weeks leading up to his death, Osama bin Laden had trouble controlling the squabbling among his three wives. In fact, when the team knocked down the door, bin Laden said, ‘Thank god you’re here. Two in the chest. One in the head. Let’s do this.’” – Conan O’Brien
“Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana — conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it’s time to ‘you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.’” – Craig Ferguson
“I don’t see why anyone is surprised, though. Pat Robertson is 81 years old. After a certain point, old people don’t care what anybody thinks. They just don’t. They wear socks with sandals.” – Craig Ferguson
“Robertson said he never smoked pot and never will, and that just because something is ‘legal’ doesn’t mean we should do it. That’s the argument I always use against pineapple on your pizza.” – Craig Ferguson
“A phone survey found 70 percent of Americans support legalizing marijuana. I can’t believe that many marijuana supporters managed to answer the phone.” – Craig Ferguson
“This week a Chicken McNugget that resembles President George Washington was auctioned on eBay for over $8,000. Meanwhile, a Chicken McNugget that looks like Mitt Romney was eaten by Newt Gingrich.” – Conan O’Brien
