“I thought the election was gonna be all about the economy. But the economy started doing better. So Republicans went to Plan B: calling women whores.” – Bill Maher
“Japanese researchers have invented a speech-jamming gun that can silence people from 30 meters away. You fire this at them, and they can stop talking. It makes people speechless. We should try this on Rush Limbaugh.” – Jay Leno
“Rush Limbaugh: four wives he’s had – no children. Dude, you are birth control.” – Bill Maher
“This woman [Sandra Fluke] got a call today from then President. President Obama called her to thank her for her testimony. And then President Clinton called Obama to get her number.” – Bill Maher
“In a recent interview, President Obama said when he plays golf, he doesn’t want or expect people to give him a pass on any shots. He just hopes people will give him a mulligan in November.” – Jay Leno
“In a speech on Wall Street the other day, President Obama compared himself to Gandhi. Well, that makes sense. He’s created a lot of jobs in India.” – Jay Leno
“New Rule: Sheriff Joe Arpaio can’t expect to get any credibility investigating the President’s birth certificate if he insists on calling the investigators his “posse.” Arpaio’s self-appointed “Cold Case Posse” reported yesterday that Obama’s birth certificate MIGHT be a forgery. Well, good thing they cleared that up. Who ever heard of a posse being unfair to a black man?” – Bill Maher
“Republican Senator Orrin Hatch accused President Obama of pandering to the hipster wing of the Democratic Party. It’s pretty shocking — not that he said that, just that Orrin Hatch knows what a hipster is.” –Jimmy Fallon
“There is an HBO movie coming out about the 2008 presidential election. Apparently John McCain is very unhappy with the way he was portrayed. He said he came across as a clueless and angry man. No one had the heart to tell him he was watching the toaster.” – Craig Ferguson
“This gas thing is not funny. We are looking at five dollar a gallon gasoline. Mitt Romney’s wife filled up both her Cadillacs today and now she’s one of the poor people he doesn’t give a sh*t about.” – Bill Maher
“Now that Snooki is pregnant, somebody has to ask Rick Santorum, ‘Are you still against contraception?’” – Bill Maher
“It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and politician? A cat doesn’t pretend to care about you.” – Jay Leno
“Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver were seen shopping together. Apparently she said she wanted something Swedish made and Arnold was like, ‘Swedish maid?’” – Craig Ferguson
