“A man in Albuquerque has registered his dog to vote. Apparently the dog likes the current administration but he’s not sure he wants another 28 years of Obama.” – Conan O’Brien
“While visiting a GM plant President Obama pledged to buy a Chevy Volt after his presidency ends in five years. Today Mitt Romney said, ‘Make it one year and I’ll buy it for you.’” – Jay Leno
“It’s been a good week for Romney. He won Arizona, Michigan, and Wyoming. He said this is the best week of his life since they lowered the capital gains tax.” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney is having a lot of trouble connecting to the common person. So he’s trying a little too hard. In an interview yesterday, Romney said that he has worn a garbage bag as rain gear. He said it’s easy. All he had to do is dump out the hundred-dollar bills and throw the bag over his head.” – Conan O’Brien
“I think Romney’s a good man but he just doesn’t inspire people. Even his new campaign slogan: ‘I guess you’re stuck with me.’” – Jay Leno
“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he won’t even shop at Dick’s Sporting Goods. He wants mailmen to stop wearing those shorts. He thinks a threesome is playing golf with two other guys. He’s so conservative, he won’t even shop at a store that has parking in the rear.” – Jay Leno
“Newt Gingrich has promised to bring gas down to $2.50 a gallon. That’s what Newt should be doing, running a gas station!” – Jay Leno
“We have the lovely actress Julianne Moore on the show tonight. She’s playing Sarah Palin in the new HBO movie “Game Change.” It’s about the 2008 election. Believe me, that was a tough role to prepare for, playing Sarah Palin. She had to spend over six months not studying anything.” – Jay Leno
“Opening in New Jersey tomorrow is the circus. They put up the big tent, although this year it’s Governor Christie’s pants.” – David Letterman
“A new study found that government employees are the happiest workers. The study was not conducted at the DMV.” – Conan O’Brien
