“Mitt Romney won in Michigan last night. It was certainly a close race — a real nail-biter or, in Romney’s case, a real manicure.” – David Letterman
“Last night Mitt Romney came in first place in the Michigan primary, although he barely won. Incidentally, ‘barely one’ is also the total number of votes Ron Paul received.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won in Arizona and Michigan. Romney is so excited, he almost loosened his tie.” – Jay Leno
“They went crazy celebrating. A friend of mine who was in campaign headquarters said that after he won and the lights were turned off and people were going home, Romney took off his jacket and chugged a glass of tap water.” – David Letterman
“Today, in a suburb of Detroit, Mitt Romney asked supporters to donate money to his campaign. Of course, the people then pointed out that they live in Detroit. And he’s Mitt Romney.” – Conan O’Brien
“Gas prices are so high that Mitt Romney’s wife can only afford to drive one Cadillac.” – Jay Leno
“Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney is so closed-minded that he would have fired Christopher Columbus. Romney denied it, saying, ‘Are you kidding me? A man with three boats, that’s my kind of guy.’” – Jimmy Fallon
“In yesterday’s Michigan primary, Newt Gingrich actually came in fourth place. Or as the ice cream in his freezer put it, it’s gonna be a long night.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Rick Santorum thinks that global warming, climate change, is a hoax. Let me ask you something, Rick. If you think global warming and climate change is a hoax, how do you explain those sleeveless sweaters?” – David Letterman
“Not a good day for Rick Santorum. I haven’t seen him this depressed since they invented the birth control pill.” – Jay Leno
“It’s being reported that Snooki is pregnant. When Rick Santorum heard the news, he immediately came out in favor of birth control.” – Conan O’Brien
“I think Rick Santorum learned something yesterday. He learned that electoral college is not for everyone. Not everyone needs to go the electoral college.” – Jay Leno
