“Mitt Romney has been the front-runner from day one but nobody likes Mitt Romney because he’s not kooky enough.” – David Letterman
“They’re looking for somebody kookier so Rick Santorum is a pretty good choice. He does not believe in birth control. Does not believe in global warming. Does not believe in long-sleeve sweaters.” – David Letterman
“There are rumors that Mitt Romney will ask Ron Paul to be his running mate. He was originally going to reach out to Rick Santorum. But Rick’s not crazy about other dudes reaching out for him.” – Craig Ferguson
“The latest polls show Romney and Rick Santorum neck and neck. Not to be confused with Newt Gingrich, who is shown in the polls as chin to chin.” – David Letterman
“It was a tough game for the New York Knicks last night. Jeremy Lin went just 1-for-11 in their loss to Miami. Only 1 success out of 11 attempts — or as Newt Gingrich calls that, ‘primary season.’” – Jimmy Fallon
“This week an Occupy Wall Street protester gave birth in the back of a taxi. The baby loves breast milk – as long as it’s not the 1 percent.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama is trying to come up with a new campaign slogan that would replace ‘Hope and Change.’ He’s thinking of going with ‘I am not Mitt Romney.’” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama talked about rising gas prices today. He focused on the positive things his administration has done when it comes to energy prices. So, in other words, it was the shortest speech he’s ever given.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama is starting to get a little overconfident. In an interview with Univision radio, he said, ‘My presidency isn’t over yet, and I’ve still got five more years.’ Even his predictions are over budget.” – Jay Leno
“During Vice President Biden’s speech in North Carolina today, a man onstage kept falling asleep. The worst part: It was actually Joe Biden.” – Jimmy Fallon
