“Tomorrow night is the 20th Republican debate, which explains that new campaign slogan, ‘Vote Mitt Romney — or else we’ll keep doing this.’” – Jimmy Fallon
“Everyone throws beads on Mardi Gras. The beads are paid for by local businessmen who ride on elaborate floats and toss little trinkets to the desperate masses in the streets. Which is also Mitt Romney’s economic plan.” – Craig Ferguson
“It’s been reported that Mitt Romney’s campaign is spending cash twice as fast as they’re earning it. Hey, it turns out he is just like us after all.” – Conan O’Brien
“Santorum says that if he’s elected, he’s going to leave the interns alone and just screw the American people directly.” – Jay Leno
“Rick Santorum also said that global warming is politics, not science. And he said he’ll defend that position to the edge of the earth. “If I have to fall off…” – Jay Leno
“This guy is really conservative. In fact, Rick Santorum is so conservative he won’t even go down on an escalator.” – Jay Leno
“He’s so conservative he wants ballpark franks to stop plumping when you cook ’em. That’s how conservative.” – Jay Leno
“In fact, Santorum is so conservative he won’t even let the UPS guy handle his package. That’s how conservative.” – Jay Leno
“Bob Morris, a state lawmaker from Fort Wayne, Ind., has decided not to support a proposal to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. He believes the Girl Scouts is a, quote, radicalized organization that supports homosexuality and abortion. I’m all for freedom of speech, but that kind of talk might get you picked as Rick Santorum’s running mate.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Girl Scouts sell cookies. They don’t promote homosexuality. They promote obesity.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has outlawed gay marriage with one exception. He said Ben and Jerry, they’re OK. They can go ahead and get married. Usually the only thing Chris Christie vetoes is a salad.” – David Letterman
“Newt Gingrich called President Obama ‘the most dangerous president in U.S. history.’ But then he said ‘on the dance floor.’” – Conan O’Brien
“Last night PBS began airing a four-hour documentary about Bill Clinton and his presidency, and tonight they spent 40 minutes just on Monica Lewinsky. Forty minutes! That’s 38 more minutes than Bill spent on her.” – Jay Leno
“Political analysts say the key voting bloc could be birth control moms. Birth control moms are women who use birth control but apparently not correctly.” – Conan O’Brien
