“Rick Santorum is so anti-gay, he doesn’t even want pirates touching their own booty.” – Jay Leno
“Rick Santorum is so conservative that when he goes to KFC, he only orders the right wings.” – Jay Leno
“This guy is so anti-gay, he won’t even eat a Hershey bar if it has nuts.” – Jay Leno
“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he thinks a Labradoodle is a result of interracial marriage.” – Jay Leno
“How conservative is he? This guy won’t even take soda in the can.” – Jay Leno
“CNN announced that instead of using podiums at Wednesday’s debate, the GOP candidates will be sitting at a table — which could get awkward when Newt Gingrich asks to see a menu.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Happy Presidents Day. We have a lot of Presidents Day sales. Mitt Romney got a little confused. He thought the presidency was for sale.” – Jay Leno
“Here in New York City we celebrate Presidents Day by allowing people to park on both sides of the street.” – David Letterman
“You can tell gas prices are going up in California. Prius owners are getting that smug look again.” – Jay Leno
“The North Korea news agency is saying that the birds and the pandas and all the wildlife are moaning because they’re so depressed over the death of Kim Jong Il. Wait a minute. Is it possible they are moaning because they live in North Korea?” – David Letterman
“Microsoft founder Bill Gates attended a fundraiser for President Obama on Friday. He wasn’t invited, but in typical Microsoft fashion he crashed it.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The tallest president was Abraham Lincoln, 6’4″. I think four of those feet were hat.” – Craig Ferguson
“People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. George Washington did not have wooden teeth. Abe Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope. And President Obama wasn’t born in Kenya. It was Tanzania.” – Craig Ferguson
“He was going to be born in Kenya but it wasn’t socialist enough.” – Craig Ferguson
