“Hillary Clinton is expected to win in Kentucky. Barack Obama is expected to win in Oregon. And John McCain is expected to win at bingo. So everybody wins.” –Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday, Barack Obama visited an Indian reservation. And I don’t know if you heard about this, the chief adopted him and gave him the name ‘Black Eagle.’ That’s true, yeah. The chief also gave Hillary Clinton the name ‘Runs Even After Losing.’ Good name.” –Conan O’Brien
“The White House has announced that next month, President Bush will be making a trip through Europe. He’s gonna travel all through Europe, yeah. President Bush says he’s really excited to go to Europe, because he’s never seen a kangaroo.” –Conan O’Brien
“Barack Obama spoke before 75,000 people at a rally in Oregon. 75,000. That’s the equivalent of 75,000 Ralph Nader rallies.” –Jay Leno
“Hillary Clinton campaigned extensively in Bowling Green, Kentucky, over the weekend. Barack Obama did not campaign in Bowling Green. He doesn’t do well in any place with the word ‘bowling’ in it. Anywhere with ‘bowling,’ he is out of there.” –Jay Leno
“Hillary knows how to appeal to those voters. Like, she promised the people of Kentucky, if elected president, she would lower the price of pay-per-view wrestling fifty percent.” –Jay Leno
“They held primaries in Oregon and Kentucky. … Hillary won Kentucky and Obama is expected to win Oregon, which means he would clinch a majority of the pledged delegates. There are delegates, superdelegates, pledged delegates, lemon pledged delegates and of course, the farmer-in-the-delegates … you don’t get those, you don’t get the White House.” –Jimmy Kimmel
