“A new website just came out that’s designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn your salary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call there and say, ‘I’ll be there in five teachers.'” – Conan O’Brien
“What’s interesting is in the time it took you to think about that joke, Mitt Romney made $65 million.” – Conan O’Brien
“House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says she has dirt on Newt Gingrich, but so far she’s keeping her lips sealed — because that’s how the last surgeon left them.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama told the nation ‘The state of our union is strong,’ while Newt Gingrich told his wife, ‘The state of our union is open.'” – Conan O’Brien
“His State of the Union speech was written so 8th graders could understand it. Which explains the part where Obama said, ‘I wasted bin Laden, LMAO!'” – Conan O’Brien
