“When Mitt Romney heard a story about people getting pissed on, he launched into his defense of venture capitalism.” – Bill Maher (regarding the video of American soldiers urinating on Afghan bodies)
“During a campaign event on Saturday, Mitt Romney reached into his pocket and gave cash to a woman who said she was broke. Which got awkward, when she was like, ‘I’m also lonely!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“When Mitt Romney says ‘the buck stops here,’ he means literally, ‘I have your money. Fuck you.'” – Bill Maher
“Is Mitt Romney a serial killer? I don’t know, but that question’s out there now.” – Stephen Colbert (on his super PAC attack ad accusing Romney of being a serial killer)
“Rick Santorum told an audience in South Carolina Mitt Romney was just a ‘paler shade of what we have in the White House now.’ And the guy in the back of the room stood up and said, ‘I thought that was the whole point.” – Bill Maher
“I’m sensing Mitt Romney isn’t that popular with Republicans. On the New Hampshire ballot he was listed as ‘Mitt Romney, I guess.'” – Seth Meyers
“According to the exit polls, Mitt Romney won in every category of voter in New Hampshire, from rich to poor, from young to old, from white to really white. He won across the board.” – Jay Leno
“Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in ‘Dancing with the Stars.'” – Bill Maher
“Newt Gingrich says that on Thursday he will be releasing his tax returns. You can feel the excitement, right?” – David Letterman
“Newt got an important endorsement this week – Todd Palin. I’m not kidding. Sarah Palin’s formerly mute husband, Todd, endorsed Newt Gingrich. We don’t know why, but today Todd received a beautiful pair of Tiffany earrings.” – Bill Maher
“The third Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year. Especially, if you’re a Broncos fan supporting Jon Huntsman.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Jon Huntsman has officially dropped out of the 2012 presidential race. Wow, not having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail is going to be like … Well, it’s going be like HAVING Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail. It’s going to have no effect really.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s been a tough week for Jon Huntsman. In addition to dropping out of the race, earlier this week he found out he was not really a Kardashian.” – David Letterman
”The mere possibility that I might run for president blew Jon Huntsman all the way back to the ‘Land’s End’ catalog he came from.” – Stephen Colbert
