“All of New Yorkers have Obama fever. Everybody’s very excited about him being in New York City. New York City cab drivers, by the way, are offering their Barack Obama special: they’ll gladly accept change.” -David Letterman
“Because of Sarah Palin, people are now asking the question: is she ready to be president? Is Sarah Palin ready to be president? If, God forbid, something happens to John McCain, is Sarah Palin ready to be president? I don’t think we need to worry about that, because Bush has lowered the bar so tremendously.” -David Letterman
“Politicians today are all lining up to attack Obama’s comment about putting lipstick on a pig. That’s right. President Bush called the remarks outrageous. Dick Cheney called them over the line. Joe Lieberman said they’re not kosher.” -Conan O’Brien
“The campaign is coming down to one very important issue: putting makeup on farm animals. That seems to be where we’re at. Oh, this is so stupid. … Even President Bush, now, has been drawn into this controversy. But again, you see, I don’t think President Bush really understands the issue. Like he said, ‘What people do in private is their business, as long as they don’t marry the pig.'” -Jay Leno
“Well, it’s a very strange political campaign. I mean, out on the campaign trail, John McCain and Sarah Palin are talking about how they stood up to the Republican party. They fought the Republican establishment. And they battled Republicans. Their message: vote Republican.” -Jay Leno
“The Wall Street Journal said today Democrats are sending an army of lawyers and investigators up to Alaska to look into the background of Sarah Palin. And of course, John McCain is furious. He said, ‘Hey, if I didn’t look into her background, there’s no reason you should be looking into her background.'” -Jay Leno
“Big international news. I don’t know if you heard about this, sources in North Korea say that dictator Kim Jong-Il is very sick. He may have to shift power to one of his three sons. Kim Jong-Nam, Kim Jong-Chul or Kim Jong-Woo. Yeah. Of course, there’s still an out-of-the-box chance he’ll pick Sarah Palin.” -Conan O’Brien
