“The independent Super PAC supporting Mitt Romney announced it would suspend anti- Newt Gingrich ads during Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. They said they’re doing it out of respect to Gingrich, his family, and his mistresses.” – Jay Leno
“The pro-adultery website ashleymadison.com – have you heard of this? It’s a website for married people that want to cheat. Anyway, they have come out and endorsed Newt Gingrich for president. I guess it’s their way of thanking him for all the years of business.” – Jay Leno
“John Edwards – remember that sleazeball who ran for president? He’s asking that his upcoming criminal trial be delayed because he’s been diagnosed with a medical condition. Lets hope it’s erectile dysfunction.” – Jay Leno
“Anthony Weiner and is his wife, Huma, have given birth to a baby boy. He posted a photo of the new baby on Twitter, but people are afraid to open it.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday in New York City, Donald Trump officially changed his political affiliation from Republican to Independent. And Donald’s hair has switched from pelt to carpet sample.” – Jay Leno
“Rick Perry told reporters this week that he has a permit to carry a concealed handgun. He also has a concealed vocabulary, concealed knowledge of the issues, concealed tolerance…” – Jay Leno
“There have been a lot of changes in the polls lately. It’s unbelievable. President Obama’s ratings are up, Ron Paul is leading in the polls in Iowa, Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich are in a tie, and Rick Santorum is still two points behind Kim Jong-Il. He’s got a way to go.” – Jay Leno
“We’re learning more and more about the death of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il. It seems he died of a heart attack while riding on a train in North Korea. I don’t want to say Kim Jong-Il was little, but the train he died on was going around his Christmas tree.” – Jay Leno
“In a new interview, President Obama was asked to describe Michelle, and he used the words ‘beautiful, smart, and funny.’ When asked how he picked those, he used the words, ‘she’s, sitting, and right-next-to-me.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez called President Obama a clown and an embarrassment. You don’t talk about our president that way. Our vice president, sure, that would be fine.” – Jay Leno
“President Barack Obama went out and did some shopping. He took the entire White House Press Corps with him, but still he’s out there boosting the economy — the Chinese economy but still, he’s doing what he can, ladies and gentlemen.” – David Letterman
“President Obama went Christmas shopping at Best Buy in Virginia this week. He had to go to Best Buy because he’s not allowed to go to Walmart, because China said, “You can’t buy any more stuff from us until you pay off what you already owe us.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama bought about $200 worth of Christmas presents at Best Buy. Then it got awkward when he asked the Geek Squad if they fix economies.” – Jimmy Fallon
“While shopping at Best Buy, out of force of habit, President Obama put everything on layaway. He told the store, “Don’t worry about it; the grandkids will pay for it.” – Jay Leno
“The New York Daily News reported that Obama bought the Wii game “Just Dance” for his daughters, Sasha and Malia. Or in other words, the New York Daily News just ruined the fun of opening presents for Sasha and Malia.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The payroll tax extension passed the House and Senate by unanimous consent. This was a procedural move allowing it to pass, even though most members of congress were already home for the holidays. They weren’t even there! Only 12 people out of 535 were there and they got it done. Imagine how much they could do if we got rid of all of them?” – Jay Leno
