“Rick Perry said there were eight supreme court justices instead of nine. But, in his defense, he did know there were only three judges on ‘Dancing With the Stars.'” – Jay Leno
“Perry also said the Obama administration sent $500 million to the ‘country of Solyndra.’ If an energy company was a country, don’t you think we would’ve invaded it by now?” – Jay Leno
“Rick Perry was interviewed in a library, and they placed special books that were kind of mean: “Runnin’ Texas for Dummies,” “Supreme Court for Dummies,” “Dumb & Dumber for Dummies.” – Jay Leno
“Newt Gingrich released a statement promising he would not cheat on his wife. Even better, he said he wouldn’t cheat on his next wife either, or the one after that.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mitt Romney says if he is president he will create 11 million new jobs. Sure, they’ll all be in China, but a job is a job, ladies and gentlemen.” – David Letterman
“Michele Bachmann is picking running mates. That’s like the Colts picking out Super Bowl rings.” – David Letterman
“Donald trump announced this morning that he will not serve as moderator at the GOP debate that was scheduled for Dec. 27. He said he had to cancel the debate because he may want to run as an independent candidate — and because only two of the GOP candidates decided to show up.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This guy is something. He’s committed to the debate, he’s not committed; he’s running, he’s not running; he’s in, he’s out. What does he think this is, one of his marriages?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“An Alabama anti-gay politician has been leading a secret life as a sperm donor for lesbian couples. This is a classic case of the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing. But he was making money hand over fist.” – Jay Leno
“Iran is now in possession of an American drone. When I heard that I thought, ‘Oh, my god, they captured Joe Biden?'” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday, someone threw a pair of shoes at Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Iran has captured the shoes and is studying their technology.” – Conan O’Brien
“Pope Benedict announced he’s going to visit Mexico sometime next year. He will bring with him a message of hope for all the Mexican people. And then he will come to Los Angeles and give the same message to even more Mexican people.” – Jay Leno
