“In a surprise move, this morning Herman Cain’s penis announced it’s still in the race.” – Conan O’Brien
“Herman Cain made a major announcement on Saturday at the grand opening of his new campaign headquarters, announcing that he is suspending his campaign. It was a grand opening and a grand closing at the same time.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The day before yesterday, Herman Cain suspended his campaign. That is a shame. He touched so many people.” – Stephen Colbert
“Herman Cain seemed to sense his supporters needed something to lift their spirits, which is what led to Herman Cain saying the greatest nine words ever spoken by an American politician: ‘I believe these words came from the Pokemon movie …'” – Jon Stewart
“Cain blames a conspiracy by powerful Democrats who are intent on destroying him for these various allegations. I don’t think you can blame the Democrats. I’m pretty sure they were rooting for him in this particular case.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Over the weekend, Herman Cain dropped out the Republican presidential race. Cain said he wants to spend more time with the wife. Not his wife.” – Craig Ferguson
“Herman Cain announced Saturday he was suspending his campaign. He brought his wife with him, so apparently he couldn’t get a date. I guess he used up all his 9-9-9 lives. The closest he got to the White House was spending the night at Ginger White’s house.” – Jay Leno
“Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his wife cools off.” – David Letterman
“Now that he’s back home Herman Cain’s wife has a huge to-do list for him. 1. Clean out the garage. 2. Go live in it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Everybody’s talking about the presidential election. And this is big: Two days after stepping down, there are rumors that Herman Cain is endorsing his former rival, Newt Gingrich. Not to be president, but to be his new wingman.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Even though Herman Cain is suspending his campaign, he’s launching a new website called TheCainSolution.com. Yeah, it’s the only political website that makes you click an ‘I’m Over 18’ button to enter.” –Jimmy Fallon
“The good news: unemployment is down and people are out looking for work. That’s good news. In fact today Herman Cain applied at Domino’s, Pizza Hut, Round Table, and Little Caesars…” – Jay Leno
“An upcoming Republican debate will be moderated by Donald Trump. It will take place in the Trump Forum for the Future of Democracy and Casino.” – Conan O’Brien
“We have a mayor here called Mayor Bloomberg and he’s a little man. And this is the worst time of year for the guy, as you can imagine because whenever he’s out walking around, everybody’s screaming, ‘Look, one of Santa’s elves!'” – David Letterman
“President Obama is getting some flak for his planned 17-day Christmas vacation. That’s a long time, 17 days. I mean, even Mary and Joseph only took the day off for Christmas.” – Jay Leno
“To save money, the U.S. Postal Service announced the end of next-day service. That’s a good way to get people to come back, isn’t it? Make your service even slower than it already is.” – Jay Leno
“Due to the bad economy, the Queen of England’s salary will be frozen for the next four years. In fact, to make ends meet the queen is thinking of having a yard sale. Getting rid of a lot of stuff they don’t use anymore, like Canada.” – Jay Leno
