“Yesterday the CEO of Citigroup said that he can understand why all these Occupy Wall Street protesters are so frustrated. In fact, he felt so bad for them, he gave himself a $10 million sympathy bonus.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Occupy Wall Street protests continued in New York City. Today the protests have been going on for four weeks now. That’s longer than most NBC sitcoms last.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Republicans had yet another debate the other night. This is their seventh one. They’re apparently going to keep having these debates until Rick Perry can get one right.” – Jay Leno
“Herman Cain is surging in the polls. Many polls have him ahead of Mitt Romney. He hasn’t said who he would choose as his running mate yet, but according to a report, he’s had several meetings with Papa John.” – Jay Leno
“Herman Cain has moved ahead of Mitt Romney. Can you believe that? Political analysts say this is because Americans don’t understand Mormonism but they do understand pizza.” – Conan O’Brien
“Big Ben is leaning to one side, but they think that it might be able to somehow correct itself. And I thought well, yeah, look at Mitt Romney. He used to lean to the left, now he leans to the right.” – David Letterman
“This morning on the ‘Today’ show, Jenna Bush interviewed Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy was so confused and inarticulate that Jenna accidentally called him ‘dad’.” – Conan O’Brien
“White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley announced he’ll be leaving the White House after the election. I get the feeling a lot of people are going to be leaving the White House after the election.” – Jay Leno
“Hulk Hogan says he no longer supports President Obama. Yeah. But the president’s not worried because he has the support of the Iron Sheik and Triple H.” – Conan O’Brien
“The White House is apparently pushing to create more Latino-themed landmarks. Now that’s in addition to our current Latino-themed landmark, California.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Saudi government is upset about this plot to assassinate their ambassador. As you know, Saudi Arabia condemns all acts of terrorism unless, of course, they’re sponsoring them.” – Jay Leno
“The new iPhone 4S comes out tomorrow. If you are not already standing outside in line, it’s too late. The line for the iPhone 5 starts up Monday. … You watch TV and they say our economy is on life support. If we can afford $400 for a phone whose main difference appears to be that there’s a letter ‘S’ on it, how bad could things be?” – Jimmy Kimmel
