“You want to add another candidate? It’s like the Republican primary is a season of ‘American Idol’ in reverse, where every week you just add some new idiot… Have you ever considered the possibility that your candidates aren’t the problem — it’s you?” – Jon Stewart
“It’s like your ideal candidate is a rare super-heavy element that could only exist in a particular particle accelerator. And even then, only for a fraction of a second, before you all remembered how much you hate science. You guys need to take a long hard look in the mirror, and not come away thinking, “You know, there’s something wrong with this mirror.” – Jon Stewart
“Perry said he didn’t do well because he was exhausted. Sure, he’s exhausted from executing all those people.” – David Letterman
“Mitt Romney came to New York to meet with Donald Trump. First thing, Trump asked to see Romney’s birth certificate, and then they got down to business.” – David Letterman
“President Obama’s campaign just launched a new program geared toward seniors called ‘Operation Vote.’ Great, just what old people need – another operation.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama was in San Diego and traffic was a huge mess. There was even a three-hour backup tunneling in from Mexico.” – Jay Leno
“Obama says he will be reforming No Child Left Behind. That’s not to be confused with Michelle Obama’s childhood obesity campaign, ‘No Child Left With a Big Behind.'” – Jay Leno
“President Obama and Bill Clinton played golf together. You know what you’d get if you crossed Obama and Clinton? Tiger Woods.” – Jay Leno
“Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned an 8-foot bronze sculpture of himself. There’s even going to be a maid in charge of polishing it.” – Jimmy Fallon
