“Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.” – David Letterman
“Gays can now openly serve in the military, which is good news, unless you’re gay and you don’t want to join the military and they reinstate the draft.” – Jay Leno
“The meeting of the U.N. General Assembly is going well this year. So far we haven’t heard one of them yell, ‘It was consensual!'” – David Letterman
“President Obama addressed the United Nations General Assembly. He opened up with a joke: ‘The American dollar is strong.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“During a fundraiser in New York last night, President Obama said he was quote ‘in a New York state of mind.’ Of course, in a year he might be singing that other Billy Joel song, ”Movin’ Out.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama’s hometown newspaper, the Chicago Tribune has called on Obama not to run for re-election. He has to run. He knows there are no other jobs out there.” – Jay Leno
“The Solyndra executives are scheduled to testify before Congress, and they’re expected to take the 5th. Why not take the 5th? They’ve already taken $535 million.” – Jay Leno
“The Tea Party is forming its own debt super committee that will meet this week at a Florida Denny’s. You do not want to be the waiter that adds the tax to their check.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that he is releasing the two American hikers from captivity in Iran on humanitarian grounds. Then he went back to torturing dissidents.” – David Letterman
“Steven Spielberg is going to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that’s a good way to honor Lincoln – by sending people to the theater.” – Jimmy Fallon
