“Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is now over. Gay people can enlist, fight overseas, and then not be able to get married when they get back home.” – Jay Leno
“The military’s controversial ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy was officially retired. This marks a new age of tolerance, acceptance, and awkward showering for everyone in the military.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“That’s how ridiculous this policy was. The apology for the affront is, ‘Alright, you can go to Afghanistan and fight for your country.'” – Jon Stewart
“I think this will have an effect on our enemies. Be warned, evildoers. First we will defeat you, then we will redecorate your entire country.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The military’s policy of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ is officially over. Don’t confuse this with President Obama’s economic policy, which is ‘don’t ask, I don’t want to talk about it.'” – Jay Leno
“President Obama is speaking to the General Assembly tomorrow and he’s expected to urge the delegates to fight global warming, reduce poverty, and find out what the heck is happening at Netflix.” – Craig Ferguson
“Some critics say Obama should be focusing on jobs instead of addressing the UN. But I think it’s important for Obama to talk to the other countries – because they’re the ones that have all of our jobs.” – Craig Ferguson
“Obama says his new plan to raise taxes on millionaires is not class warfare, it’s math. We Americans hate class warfare, but we also hate math.” – Jay Leno
“Since when does math settle anything? Like evolution, I believe math is just a theory.” –Stephen Colbert
“World leaders are here for the U.N. General Assembly. Today Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad went up to Central Park and arrested hikers. The Italian Prime Minister is also here. So good luck getting a hooker.” – David Letterman
“The most famous speech at the U.N. was Nikita Kruschev, who banged his shoe on the desk. I don’t mean he had sex with the shoe. That would have been Clinton. ‘I really like an open-toed espadrille.” – Craig Ferguson
“Moammar Gadhafi released an audio message saying that he’s still in power, and just ‘temporarily’ going underground. Sure, just like my local Blockbuster is ‘temporarily’ closing its doors.” – Craig Ferguson
“A new survey shows that 1 in 5 Americans believe that God steers the economy. Mystery solved: God is Chinese.” – Conan O’Brien
“China is now grading restaurants’ hygiene using smiley faces and frown faces. Really? Who do they have working on this stuff in China, kids? Oh.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Congress’ approval rating has dropped to 12 percent. The other 88 percent are withholding judgment until Congress actually does something.” – Jay Leno
“A satellite is now headed toward earth and the people at NASA have no idea where it will land. How would they know? It’s not like they’re rocket scientists.” – David Letterman
“Two new books about Sarah Palin came out today. All of a sudden, I’m feeling OK about Borders going out of business.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Some of the contestants on Dancing with the Stars … well, I’ve seen better dancing at the Republican National Convention. Nancy Grace showed how ironic a last name can be.” – Jimmy Kimmel
