“President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he’s the kind of person that sees the country as ‘half employed.'” – Conan O’Brien
“According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it’s up 55 percent over the last president.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In Michigan a man in a President Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that of President Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit.” –Conan O’Brien
”You know what I love most about that speech to the Congressional joint session? The awesome cutaways to uncomfortable Republicans.” – Jon Stewart
“Mitt Romney said that President Obama does not understand that the president doesn’t create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan to create jobs once he’s elected president.” – Jay Leno
“Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a ‘bedrock conservative.’ When he heard this, John McCain said, ‘I grew up in Bedrock, and I don’t remember seeing him.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That’s the difference between Texas and California: In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders.” – Jay Leno
“It’s being reported that Rick Perry met his wife when they were in elementary school. There was another boy that liked her too but Perry had him executed.” – Conan O’Brien
“The economy is so bad that in Texas Rick Perry had to execute convicts just by throwing a toaster in the bath tub! That’s how bad.” – Jay Leno
“The Republican debate was up against Monday night football. It was like NFL vs. LOL.” – Jay Leno
“If the Tea Party cared about us they wouldn’t have scheduled their debate against the opening night of football, especially the Patriots. That’s something Kenyans would do.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The moderators were Wolf Blitzer and Larry the Cable Guy. Rick Santorum won the swimsuit competition. Michele Bachmann won Miss Crazyality.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“His New York district is having a special election to replace Anthony Wiener. I was going to make a joke, but it’s just so hard at this point …” – Jimmy Fallon
“In England a dominatrix is saying a prominent politician used to hire her for services. Of course, a dominatrix in England is someone who ties you down and then flosses you.” – Conan O’Brien
“There’s a commemorative 9/11 Merlot, perfect for when you’re drinking to never forget. ” – Stephen Colbert
“A new study found that in the last 30 years, the average home size has increased by 600 square feet. Which is fitting, since in the last 30 years, the average person size has increased by 600 square feet.” – Jimmy Fallon
