“Did you see all the Republican candidates lined up at the Reagan Library the other night? Didn’t they look like it was part of Disney’s ‘Hall of Never-Will-Be-Presidents.'” – Jay Leno
“The biggest applause line of the night was the mere mention that Rick Perry had executed 234 people. Holy fuckballs.” – Jon Stewart
“Michele Bachmann said she would do away with the Department of Education if elected president. In fact, if there’s no Department of Education, it would make it easier for her to be elected.” – Jay Leno
“Bachmann’s campaign manager stepped down, her deputy campaign manager left, and God hasn’t called her in weeks.” – Jay Leno
“Michele Bachmann is for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. She is pure. She is always completely fact-free. She said the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. So from now on Thomas Jefferson’s slaves will be known as friends with benefits.” – Bill Maher (appearing on Jay Leno)
“The virus in the movie ‘Contagion’ is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I’m talking about President Obama.” – Craig Ferguson
“Cuban leader Fidel Castro made a rare TV appearance yesterday. He said everyone keeps reporting that he’s dead, but he’s actually alive and well. He said he went on TV, basically to prove he’s still alive. It’s pretty much the same reason President Obama was on TV last night. ‘I’m still here! I’ve got your jobs!'” – Jay Leno
“President Obama introduced his $447 billion jobs plan. A lot of economists say it could work — if we had $447 billion.” – Jay Leno
“House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama’s jobs plan merits consideration. Then he was like, ‘In fact, I’ll do it right now. OK, I hate it.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“In his speech President Obama called the plan the ‘American Jobs Act.’ It sounds a lot better than the original title, the ‘Save My Ass Act.'” – Jay Leno
“The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States down to 5th place. But we’re still the fattest, so that’s good.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama said ‘No single individual built America on their own.’ When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, ‘Hello? Paul Bunyan?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Ricki Lake injured her shin while practicing for “Dancing with the Stars.” It was pretty serious. She was hobbling around the dance floor like Bristol Palin.” – Jay Leno
